The goal of going no contact is usually two-fold: You reduce supply and consequently hope to increase demand and you use the silence as a way of clearing your head and healing.

It goes without saying that these are the chief aims, but silence can lead to many different outcomes. If you burnt your bridges abruptly then the ensuing emptiness can lead to resentment, particularly if an ex still had something to say. Or perhaps your ex simply used the silence to move on and grant themselves closure.

Now that you’re planning on re-emerging from the shadows, all these risk factors have to be tackled head-on.

Texting As A Medium Of Communication

textingTexting an ex-boyfriend¬†means striking a balance between being direct, while also being approachable enough to open a discussion rather than just a question and answer session. But first thing’s first, is texting really the way to go?

Choosing the right way to reach out will depend on how you left things off (which is your best guess at how they feel about you now). If things ended poorly, picking an impersonal medium such as text or Email is usually the way to go because it makes communicating clearly easier, and respects their right to answer at their leisure.

If you decided on no contact mutually, then perhaps a more intimate method of communication is warranted since it will be expected. In any case, texting is a good all rounder for our purposes, because it can serve as a chat, as well as a one-off message. It’s flexible.

How To Say It

If you were to be texted by your ex boyfriend, what would you want to hear? I guarantee that despite your fear of potential blowback or all-out rejection, it pays to be direct. Especially on the heels of no contact, where the rift between you may have widened.

Don’t try and bait a reaction by sending crumbs his way, because more often than not, he will respond in kind. And all you end up getting is the beginning of a mutual masquerade which you will both tire of. Lead by example.

Our Secret Weapon

The best way to pierce boundaries and to communicate intent without ripping our hearts out of our chests and handing them to our ex is by using humor.

Used subtly, a smile draws you together, where no contact might have pulled you apart. It also takes the edge off something serious you might want to say, without diminishing its meaning.

Another way to communicate a modicum of intimacy non verbally is to create a sense of co-conspiracy. Which is done by using your mutual relationship history. A good way to unite both points is to use inside jokes.

What To Say

two people chatting

What is said is actually less important than we think, at last as far as breaking the ice is concerned. One thing we need to avoid is setting a false pretext to the conversation, such as hiding behind asking for a favor. If this is about reconciling, it needs to be evident that, at the very least, you are interested in talking to them open-endedly. Otherwise, his walls will come slamming down, and the conversation will become a one-word affair.

It really doesn’t matter what you say, as long as these points are conveyed:

  1. That you want to talk to him and aren’t just communicating out of need.
  2. That he is more than welcome to communicate back.
  3. That you involve him at an emotional level. This sounds intimidating, but all it means is appealing to his feelings. Even saying something as mundane as “I hope you are taking care of yourself” is enough to evoke feelings if it is heartfelt.
  4. That you don’t ignore the fact that you went no contact. Seriously, it’s the elephant in the room, if you ignore the fact that this conversation is attempting to lead to a discussion of what’s changed, you’ll never have it. The sooner you mention the dividing silence, the sooner it can be addressed.